scratch

is it loneliness.? or love.?
like, really love..it's loneliness..
the same as you do..
all we need just a friend to spend some times, to spare some thoughts, to soften some hardness, to soar some compliments..
i saw you today, with those smile i never knew before..
i saw him too, with his hat above his head, so he could not see me.
i like you better, because you're the gentle one.
you're not changing..
but these past few days, at this time you were with me.
but now, maybe you're back to your habits..
with those friends of yours..

have fun.
i'm still waiting for the right one..
maybe tomorrow, next week, next month, next year..?

sooner, better.

between you and me

i don't know what to say, i don't know what to do.
your words keep stand still on my mind.
when you say, you'll always be there for me..
whenever, wherever, i needed..
but where are you now.?
i'm waiting in the heaviest rain, coldness night..
and you're missing..
you must've been there.. just doing nothing.
please.. let me know, what happened to you..
how are you.? what are you doing.?
how's your illness.?
are you ok..?
even, i'm not asking this as your girl..
i'm asking this as your friend..
don't you remember our promise last night..
to keep it just for ourselves..
this is our secret..
and, always will be.
hope you'll understand..
won't keep any distance..
you told me not to change, and i want the same thing from you..
not to change..
because..it'll make a difference between us.

well.
nothing happened..
and, anything won't happened..
it won't..

hmm..
you'll get a better one..
so will i..

poems

My Wish
If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
To the sound of your breath on my neck,
The warmth of your lips on my cheek,
The touch of your fingers on my skin,
And the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
With anyone other than you


Love Is ...
Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a play,
Love is what I feel for you,
Each and every day,
Love is like a smile,
Love is like a song,
Love is a great emotion,
That keeps us going strong,
I love you with my heart,
My body and my soul,
I love the way I keep loving,
Like a love I can't control,
So remember when your eyes meet mine,
I love you with all my heart,
And I have poured my entire soul into you,
Right from the very start.


Love
Love is like a lump of gold,
Hard to get, and hard to hold.
Of all the girls I've ever met,
You're the one I can't forget.
I do believe that God above,
Created you for me to love.
He chose you from all the rest,
Because he knew I would love you best.

FAIRNESS

how dare you ask me out, you don't even know my name.
if you were a girl, you could feel the way i feel..
trust me,man..
i'm not as expert as you.
but i felt it from you..
you hurt me first..then, it's fair now.
it is fair.

tango never made for one

it has been all about you..
more than a year we met and argued about life.
some said, get together..
other said, not meant to be..
the rest said, it depends on me..
what should i do.?
is it an option to make..
or..this life, keep choosing something.?

silence is gold, sometimes too long..
keep running around my head..
even to choose, to love, to hate, to leave, or to stand still..
your habits made me mad..
your gesture made me mad..
your talk made me mad..
your face made me mad..
it has been all about you..
your needs, your stories, your habits, your houses, you families, your friends, your smartness, your creativeness, your skill, your favorites, your.. your.. your..

this is not only you who can made a couple..
you need a partner..
who always wanted to hear stories from you about you and only you.
let her find you..
because i don't want to.

thank you anyway, thank you..
for loving me this time.

ujarnya bingung.

ketika manusia itu tercipta, seorang diluar sana menangis karena suka.
ketika manusia itu menghilang, seorang diluar sana menangis karena duka.
akankah seseorang bahkan mengetahui kepergianku suatu saat nanti.
dikala semuanya kembali pada dia dan dia.
dapat mendengar, namun tak dapat bersuara.
pekat rasanya otak dan jiwa ini.
ingin pergi dan lari, tapi itu hanya pengecut.
yang hina dina dan berkulit kaku.
kapankah akan mulai dimengerti.?
kapankah akan mulai dipahami.?
seorang sahabat berkata akan hadir dalam suka dan duka.
namun, ketika suka menyentuhnya, lupalah pada sahabat lamanya yang sedang termenung kaku di depan pintu kayu kokoh itu.
darah ini sudah mengepal dan berlendir.
berharap untuk segera keluar dari sayup-sayup angin malam.
hujan yang tetap setia menemani pun akan segera pergi meninggalkan.
suara gukguk melolong makin mencengkeran suasana.
ia dapat melihat sesuatu yang tidak terlihat oleh kita.
itukah si mechanical girl.?
yang menancapkan alat-alat aneh itu pada sendinya.
akan dapat serasa dan sepenanggungan.
bukan itu mauku.
hanya ingin terpanggil dengan lembut, untuk memastikan apakah aku baik2 sadja.
tapi kapan.?

memilihmu-Adithya Sofyan

memilihmu perlu persiapan dan mental.
bagai memilih masuk ke sekolah unggulan.
memilihmu bisa makan waktu yang panjang.
satpam depan suruh aku ambil nomor tunggu.
aku tak pernah jadi murid yang terpandai.
menunggu lama slalu mbuatku bosan.
bawa pergi mimpiku berlalu.

i never gonna get you anyway..

memilihmu perlu kemampuan yang total.
gitarku saja tak cukup tuk jadi andalan.
memilihmu terpaksa menjadi pilihan.
hanya dirimu yang mengusik mimpi2ku.
aku tak pernah jadi pilihan yang terbaik.
mungkin aku sebaiknya bangun dari tidurku.
bawa pergi mimpiku berlalu.

i never gonna get you anyway.

kutinggal pesan untukmu.
tak punya banyak waktu.
mungkin dilain waktu.
kau ada waktu untukku.
sekarang waktunya kupergi.

i never gonna get you anyway.

i never gonna get you anyway.

never gonna get you..

why don't..

you don't know what you got until it's gone.
i miss something, someone, some part..that i don't even know what it is.
i could feel it, kicking my deepest heart.
wish that i can move on..
gonna hurt me.? then..do it quickly.
if you don't want to stick around, then.. forget me.

)(Y&*^&$^%%@%

ajigile.
semura orang ternyata.? hahahaaaa..
apa sih itu.? membuat orang membungkam dan tersenyum hanya dengan tatapan matanya. dia.
melihatku apa adanya.. seakan ku sempurna.
na..na..na..na..naa..
terlalu sensitif adja nih, man.! kelar hal2 yang menyita otak, hati, pikiran, tenaga, materi dan temen2nya.. sekarang hampa.
dam*.
bisa gila gw.

N.E.X.T

the same topic in each examples that he made. the topic that keep running through my head, i tried to take it back.. i tried to erase it ever since it came over me in a rush. they showed me passion that i don't even care about, they told me those feelings that i almost forgot. what is your main purpose..? i'm sick of it.. it's enough. i wish i could turn back time, so i won't regret about him as the most. well, i won't. i'm happy with what i have, what i do, what i want. that's it. it's my life. it's about me. but then, i keep avoiding people around, which i shouldn't. argh. what's the point of this story written by me. when at the end, i'm still here, wondering what's happen next.

FEELINGS TAKING CONTROL OF ME.

i don't know who's listening. i don't know who's talking in my head. i don't know what to say with my mouth. i don't know how I'm feeling. it's empty.
there's panic, hectic, crowd, confuse, anger, sad, cry, waiting to be revealed.
tonight.? tomorrow.? or even never.? i don't even know.
i need to talk to.. don't know who, where, how, when and why..
it's complicated. tears even to shy to come out. so desperate huh.?
please, lead me somewhere out there.
please, listen to me a moment..
just for a moment.. please.
i really need it.. someone to listen to me, someone to talk to, someone to share everything..
damn.
sounds like lover, huh.?
i don't know, what they called it. but i just needed it.
i need some light to the aisle of my life, i need some torch to lightened up the darkness in my heart. i need some peacefulness to released the hard feeling in my heart..
God.
please, send me your angel.

a letter from here

Dear, Juliane

I miss you a lot. How are you? Are you ok out there? How’s your life? I hope you’re doing great, my big sister…

I need you here… I need you.
I want hugs and lots of hugs from you only.
My dad’s whore keeps getting crazy. She wants to kick my mom out from the house. And taking care of my little sister…

Juliane…
I want to call your name again. So, you can be here with me.
What should I do?
They’re my family, my mom and my sister. I don’t want that devil taking care of these.
What should I do, Juliane.
Please, tell me something.

I need you…

Love you always.
Lisbeth.

Ibu Tersayang

Ibu tersayang..
Janganlah menangis.. janganlah air mata itu jatuh perlahan untuknya.. ia tidaklah pantas kau tangisi, ibu..
Ia hanya lara bagimu..
Jangalah kau perhatikan gerakgerik dan ucapan lidah tak betulangnya..
Ia hanya goresan di hatimu..
Janganlah kau membengkakkan mata elokmu dengan bendungan air asam..
Ia hanya akan tertawa bangga dengan itu..

Ibu tersayang..
Ingatlah saat indah kita bersamanya.. Karena ia lah gerbong terakhirmu..
Ingatlah saat tertawa riang dengan kelakarnya.. Karena ia lah dagelan hidupmu..
Ingatlah saat gurauan keringnya.. Karena ia lah ombak dalam hatimu..
Ingatlah saat godaan mesranya.. Karena ia lah kekasih jiwamu..

Ibu tersayang..
Percayalah, ia akan kembali..
Percayalah, ia akan sadar..
Percayalah, ia akan menyesalinya..
Percayalah, ia masih sayang dengamu..
Percayalah..
Percayalahh..

Ibu tersayang..
Aku disini, untuk mendampingimu.
Itu saja..

Aku sayang Ibu..

gadis kecilku

adikku sayang,

apa kabarmu, sayang.?
bagaimana denting bunyi gamelanmu.? bagaimana plus/minus fisika dan kimiamu.? lalu..dengan hapalan ilmiah biologimu.? design editan foto wajah elokmu.?
sungguh bangga memilikimu, sayang..
gadis kecilku, janganlah menangis.. aku takkan kemana.. percayalah.
aku selalu disini mendoakan setiap langkah kecilmu..
gadis kecilku, janganlah bermuram durja.. perlihatkanlah gingsul unikmu.. agar mereka tergila akan dirimu..
gadis kecilku, janganlah engkau khawatir akan hari esok..
gadis kecilku, janganlah engkau malu akan keberadaanmu atau bahkan keluargamu..
akulah ayah dan ibumu kelak..
sekarang jagalah ibu disampingmu.. berikanlah ia senyum termanismu di pagi hari, dengan embun yang sejuk melindungi setiap langkahmu..
sekarang bersabarlah sedikit, sayang..
aku akan selalu kembali, menemani, memanjakan dan merangkulmu dengan hangat..
sayangku, percayalah..
semuanya akan indah pada waktunya.
belajarlah selagi dirimu bisa dan mampu.. percayalah akan kekuatan hatimu..
aku sayang sekali..
sayang..
sayang..
sayangg.. adik kecilku.

My Wishing Time

she's the one that worried about me.. she always said i'm the most beautiful from all.. she's crying a lot, when i'm gone.. she was having me more than nine months in her belly.. she's the one that keep trying to understand my feeling with others.. she's working very hard to make everybody proud of her.. she's the toughest of all.. she's the best thing i ever had.. she's living in sorrow now.. God, please give her a break. make her happy at least for once.. she deserves much better than these stuff.. she deserves the best. i know it..
i want to take her around the globe, so she can see everything in a beautifully way.. she cried a lot, she suffered huge terrible things, she got words that shouldn't ever exist in the dictionary of tongue.
is she ok now.? i don't think so.. there's a lot of things around her, missing, misunderstanding.. it's complicated, anyway.
i really want to help her. God, help me find the right way in the right place and in the right time.. so everything will be better, much better.
that's my only wish.

you'll always in my heart..

who will i choose between both of them..
even though is a rapid fire questions, i won't answer it.. even though I'll have a billion dollars, i won't.
both of them too important in my life.
at last, if they still want me to choose. i choose no one. not even one of them.. it's not the answer, yeah.
but what's the right answer.? i think God-Himself, can't give me the right and wrong.
i deserves both of them.. they are the persons that has the biggest responsible of me in the world..
where are they now.?

S.O.S

his name unspoken, his face unseen, his body language fool our eyes, his appearances amazed us, his act smartly as The Broadway actors, his words impress every single ears that heard it..
amusing, it is.
confusing, it is..
meaningful.? it should be.. but he made it worst now.
he's fooling himself around, pretending he's the best of all.. pretending everyone is depend on his old shoulders, but.. the fact.? he's made fun of himself these days..
because of what.?
because of the wealthy of life, the richness that would not be taken to the end of our life. because of woman, that made him crazy of.. because of the power of others. making other afraid of himself is a privilege, one of the beauty of life.
but he made it wrong. wrong place, wrong destination, with wrong people in a wrong way, surely.
what i have to do now.?
i don't even know him anymore.. he's different. he's unique, and special. in a bad way..
do not under estimate him, anyway.
he was a good man, once. no, no.. twice.! maybe, three times.. i mean, a lot of times..
then, one of the trouble maker, saw his weaknesses right in front of him. he's shock.. and giving his fully supported for everything that has to be done in a good way, changing into the bad once now.
please, help him find his way home, soon..
when you look him in the eyes, you can see the sorrow that he wanted to scream as loud as he could.. he couldn't.
there's huge burden that he have to brought because of his weaknesses.
he'll realize it. i know that, i know him..

we love you with all of our hearts..
thank you.

pamm..pamm..pamm..

it's buzzing.. like the bees along their way to the flowers at the next park. it said, he went somewhere over the rainbow to catch up some stars above.. it said, she's gone somewhere out there to find her true love. it's cold, it's hot.. but they're still thinking about each others.. their memories that would've been shared since the vow's day. but they're separated.. keep say a pray in the deepest heart, ask The Owner of us to gathered us again, one day. sooner, they'll be together again, as the wind blows, as the sun from the east, and the moon in the night.
let's sing and dance together under the moonlight.. until the time's end.. until the moon stop shining at night.. so we won't miss a thing..
and together side by side, always..

A Waltz for a Night

DREAM.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part..
you're out of that, down on your knee..the fallen moment, you can hardly breathe.
wondering, if he's really here, does he standing in my life..
but he's not, he's gone..gone..gone..

when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the giving up is the hardest part..
he takes you in, with crying out..
all at once, you have to say goodbye..
wondering, will you stay in my life..will you wake up my my side..
but, he can't..
because he's gone..gone..gone..

now, do i have to fall a sleep with roses in my hand.??
do i have to fall a sleep with roses in my hand.??
will you get there, if i did..
no,you won't..
because, you gone..gone..gone..

when you're dreaming with a broke heart,
the waking up is the hardest part..

Kuadran

siapa namanya? tidak penting lagi.
siapa dia.? bukan siapa2.
bagaimana rupanya.? terlupakan.
bagaimana tutur katanya.? sampah puitis.
bagaimana cara pikirnya.? kritis sampai terkikis.
apa saja kesenangannya.? berdiam, kurasa.
siapakah dia, sebenarnya.? haluan kiri.
kenapa terus membicarakan dia.? apa gunanya.? ... hanya ingin bercerita tentang dia.

yang telah membuat perjalanan air di mata seorang perempuan mengalir dengan deras, juga berhasil membesarkan hati dan hari2 seorang perempuan muda. tidak kalah, menjadikannya terus bertanya2 tentang keberadaan si misterius ini. rupanya tidak elok, hanya terbiasa terdiam di pojok sana dengan kaumnya dan berbicara hanya saat diperlukan. menganggap seorang yang jatuh cinta adalah adik kecilnya yang menghilang selama ini. jatuhlah hati ini ke dasar laut yang paling dalam, hingga tak dapat lagi terasa rasa sakit dan ngilunya ulu hati. burung pun pasti akan kehilangan keseimbangan dan jatuh terinjak mobil yang berlalu-lalang. singa di afrika pun akan mengaum kesakitan hingga tak bersuara lagi. matahari pun hingga pudar terhapus asa di langit biru.
terhitung jejak langkah kaki yang semakin menjauh, mereka mencari jalan untuk bersama. dan akan ada yang tetap tertinggal sendiri disini. menanti sebuah jawaban atas segala pertanyaan yang diajukan bulan di lembah pandala wangi, lembah kasih yang sekarang sudah membeku, tak terasa apapun.
rasa-rasa selama ini telah terjawab sudah.
bukan siapa2.
belum saatnya dia tahu akan keberadaan perempuan ini. karena perempuan ini telah selesai menjalankan perjalanan cintanya yang berujung pada keretakan dan patahnya hati yang rapuh ini.
terimakasih.
kisah ini sudah selesai, walaupun awalnya tidak terdapat pada satu titik pasti. tapi akhirnya sudah tersentuh.
selesai.

waiting for him.

dear,God..

thankyou for answering my pray. he sent me the most beautiful thing i ever received. i hope it'll better for tomorrow. i haven't seen it anyway, but i can feel it now. maybe, he didn't send some notes like Shakespeare, but he sent it with all of his heart. thankyou, dear God.
another man now keep going further alone himself, just bless him. and bring him home, soon..please.
he's the one that i have now. i want him back next to me, God.
please, i beg you..

he's coming back home, soon.

piece of sh*t

perasaan untuk selalu menjadi orang ke-sekian yang dilihat orang lain. bagaimana rasanya.? terasa dalam, memang. disaat mata memandang dengan penuh keibaan, penuh tanda tanya dan gelak tawa. seakan bahan tertawaan yang sangat baru pekan ini. selalu menjadi orang yang, terlambat untuk menyadari keberadaan orang lain telah mencoba hal lain tanpa sepengetauan kita. dan akhirnya.? mengetahuinya untuk yang terakhir, membuat mereka tertawa akan keterlamabatannya.
apakah itu teman.? ada saat bahagia dan akan terus mencemooh disaat kita malu. disaat kita tidak ingin lagi membahasnya. kembali diulang, dan akan menekankan pada kesekian kalinya kita untuk diperhatikan.
sudahlah.

tabularasa

manusia pada dasarnya seperti sebuah tabularasa di dalam laboratorium Tuhan. tersimpan baik dan rapi dengan masing-masing nama dan rupa kita sebagai label abadinya. dan, kembali seperti tabularasa itu, maka manusia akan menjadi apapun dan bagaimanapun sesuai dengan lingkungan, kondisi, hidupnya dimasa lalu, semuanya dapat terisi dengan hal baik/buruk.
semoga, tabularasa kita masing-masing telah, sedang dan akan selalu menjadi baik. kesalahan pasti akan ada, biarlah menjadi pelajaran berharga bagi mereka yang menjalaninya.

amin.

i'm proud to have you by my side.

1. JP, he's the one that understood me quite well. even though, we have a lot of things to do. but, at the end, we still ask each other opinion about anything in our daily life. he's my friend, my partner at work and my enemy in some matters.
2. MA, she's another lady that always support me. we're support each other well enough, yeah even she's busy too with her work. but, we're having a great time together. because, she could see anything in a different point of view.
3. DK, he's a man that fight against me the other day, but he could turn my world up side down, just by his words. sometimes, he made me angry, laugh, or just happy to have him around.
4. GK, she's a beautiful young lady with great manner, attitude and behaviour. her bf lucky to have her. she's moody someday, but she will do everything that she can to make everything that i wanted become true.
5. CH, he's the brain of our committe, not really actually. he's missing someday, and just vanish. but, if you need him, just go to his office behind the campus's canteen.
6. NH, she's count everything, money, time, etc. with her neat writting, wow she could make anything looks well.
7. DD, she's great in english and her knowledges. she will be somebody, oneday.
8. Z, she's damn organized. she had everything almost under control. great habits, girl.
9. G, with his great mind, he can make everything done well. maybe he just need some time, to proof to others that he can invite them.
9. N, wow. critical minds, beautiful young lady, long hair, and.? what else that you'll ask for.?
10. S, she's always talking straight to the point.! love it. with her low profile, she could spread whole over the world.
11. B, she's spoiled, yeah. but, when she's serious, do not even think about playing with her. she's easy to angry, somtimes.
12. G, with his great hair, he created a beautiful piece of arts. from the clothes that he made to his jokes about everything.
13. B, she's always late. hahaha but, it's fine, she's doing a great job too. make everything seems nice with her creative mind.
13. D, her eager to go for almost 40million was great.! she's doing an awesome job, really. she's just need to be more excited about it, so everything will be going just fine.
14. A, he's a gentlemen. he could tell us about his weakness, hard to say for some man, right.? thankyou for you confession.
15, P, maybe he have to pay his attention more in his division, his kids need him, anyway. proof to us, that you can make it.!

i'm proud to have them, really.
it's getting closer now, almost a month. please, God.
we trust you in every single steps that we take, amen.

thank you everyone.

at last..

in the end, everybody will stand by their own foot. without knowing anybody next to them. just standing in front of the lightest light, then take some step forward. everything will be softened, so tender and peaceful. you haven't felt like this before, ever. like, every burden upon you just vanish away.. the smell of green leaves entering your lungs, and exhales slowly. all you can see just white wall, you're the darkest one. but it's fine, because even though you're dark, there's still a shadow which darker than you. so, it's mean, you're not the darkest one. go further then, you'll see the person that you love the most, your mom and dad, behind them there's your sister. smiling gently to you and call your name. but then, they're gone, don't know how and why. you take some steps again, then you'll see the person you hate the most. your ex-boyfriend girlfriend.. got it? she took him away from you, then she just call your name nicely, and vanish again. what happen? what's wrong with them? where are they going? why am i still here? shortly after that, you'll see your beloved friends, from kindergarten, elementary, junior high, senior high, college, they're all around you. smiling at you cheerfully and call your name again. you're so happy being surrounded by them, you keep turning around, again and again and again and...again. STOP.
you fell...everything turning up site down, there's a lot of lights, like rainbow dancing upon you. slowly, you close your eyes. then wake up from the sudden death. are you alone? no, you're not. there's a handsome man standing next to you and look at you in the eyes, said "it's going to be just fine".
then you realize, you're in heaven.

it's suck.

what did i do.? i was trying to help you win the fight with him. and then, you just mad at me.? damn you,. i don't know am i right or wrong, i was laughing because of his foolishness, and then you put your anger with him in me.? screw you., how come.??? i helped you already with all of those things that i tried to involved you, then it just came to me about other faults..!!!
d a m n . .

nearby fourth

i keep thinking, should i send him in the first place or just be waiting down here with all of my cuirosity about him and his life.
am i afraid to start something big in my life.? i guess i'm just afraid of hurt feelings that i'll have when i got dumped, left behind, so stupid in my entire life. what should i do.? hmm., i think about something once. if you want somebody do it for you, then you have to do it first to somebody. it's just like give and take things, i'll give you dan i'll take you., really like that.? am i right.? or wrong.. i don't know exactly..
or just like this, i don't have to start but just make sure it's the right email address.. hahaha it's just the same,huh.? but, somebody should start it first, or it will never started. then.?
what's my decision.?

i'll send him.,

i won't send him.,

send him.,

don't send him.,

what.??


arghh..

i don't know where to start..

i'm just sitting here, after watching great movie-WANTED played by James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, etc..
keep wondering what am i gotta do..
even though he has weird kind of hair, i'm still in love with him..
even though many of my friends said he's kind of strange and a bit un-fashionable..
but i said, it's fine..really.!
but now.?
what am i got to do.? i don't know what i should do..
just waiting for his 1st postcard, while he's busy i guess..
or, just start now with send him an email.?
i don't know .

i'll be waiting here.,
until he start everything that already started..

i miss you, MF .

my little big sister

dear, JB
how are you now.? are you doing just fine.? i know you will be all right., still cannot imagine my life now without you standing next to me. even though just for a while, it feels like years.
so how's sidney.? great.? i'll send you the angklung soon, ok.? then you can put it in your desk, show it to your students there..
i'm going to jogja next august, i have a chance to talk about you there.. it's all about you and you, that make me more-MAGiS.
thank you for everything that you gave to me, times, thoughts, energies, loves, cares, angers, a lot.. thank you.
you showed me how to be tough noe..
i saw you next to IA this day, do you love him.? you're great together.. hahahaha
sorry, you have a boyfriend now.. ok, get back to him then..
hmm, how's MF.? you were in the same car right.? did he go straight to the airport.? or what.?
what about PR.? did he cry all the time.? hahaha,. cute boy's crying..
and, another P.? he was just smiling all the time.
Sr.Igna.? is she ok.? she's great..
and..AL and DR.? are they ok.?
take care,ok.?

talk to you later on,sist..

sorry

i don't know why..
but it's too intens, between me and him.
i'm giving him, nothing.. except an empty hope..
truly, i'm so sorry.,

we're just friends, right.?
i won't hurt you any longer..

whatever.

selamat pagi dunia .
yah..walaupun udah jam 10.31 tapi, tetep baru adja menjelang selamat siang..ok.?
setelah tidur cukup lama, dari jam 12an mungkin.. trus jam 3bangun dan ga bisa tidur lagi amp jam stengah4an, skalian ngelarn baca buku Tuesdays with Morrie, great.! hehehe
dan baru bangun jam stengah 10tadi.waw .
which is, brapa jam yah.? about 9-10jam.? oh my God.
pantes sekarang pusing.. ha ha ha ha
tadi sempt mimpi apa yah.? ada mimpi serem nya, ada mimpi ngerjain tugasnya juga, ada mimpii.. dkejer2 kunti jg . hiiii..
banyak d.!
jarang2 ngisi blog di pagi hari dan ngobrolin keseharian gini yah.?
ga taw jg knapa, pagi ini gy pengen adja .
hehehehe
segera akan berlari ke kampus nanti..mw liatin nilai, bukan nilai ndiri.. tapi nilai orang, shyerly, ella, mute, gita, tya, sapa lagi yh..?
ok,then .
i gotta go, i haven't take a bath yet.

seeyou.

papa

papa..
seseorang yang selalu mendukung berbagai hal yang menantang untuk saya. dari sekedar, nyetir di lembang yang berkabut, menghadapi dosen yang luarbiasa mengesankan-Bang Tian, bahkan menyerahkan tanggung jawabnya sebagai ayah kepada saya untuk menjadi tempat bersandar mama dan adik saya.
terima kasih,papa..
he taught me to be strong.!
to be the toughest girl,ever.
kenapa kenangan tentang papa terlupa.???
sulit untukku mengingatnya,paa..
gimana ini.?
kenapa saya jadi cepat lupa akan semua yang telah papa lakukan.
saat papa menjaga saya saat sakit panas waktu itu, mencubit saya hingga saya sakit pula, mengurung saya diruang tv dan akhirnya memandikan saya karena saya ngompol. hahahaa..
saya maw kembali ke masa itu, boleh.?
saat saya bermimpi tentang perempuan2 yang bersama papa itu..
saat saya pergi kpemakaman ayah salah satu teman saya, dan papa pulang dengan taksi, karena mobil saya pakai.
saat saya pergi dengan edo, papa tersenyum dblakang saya dengan kegagahannya memohon saya untuk pergi bersamanya dengan izin dari papa.
saat berjalan k.jawa, papa sering berhenti dan tidur lama sekali.! agar papa dapat beristirahat sebentar, dan kami tidak celaka. andai aku sudah besar dan bisa menggantikan papa saat itu, sebentar sadja..
saat dalam perjalanan, papa sangat suka mampir ke berbagai tempat makan dan selalu ada beberapa tempat favorite papa. dari rawon, empal sampe nasi cirebon itu,pa.. nasi jamblang.?
saat papa menggendong kami ketika sudah sampai di rumah dalam perjalanan yang panjang itu.
saat saya notn film pretty woman, yang papa larang karena ada bagian2 yang belum pantas untuk saya tonton.
saat papa meminta saya untuk terus membaca buku dan mengisi hari2 saya dengan hal yang berguna.
saat papa marah karena saya hanya notn opera sabun seperti yang mama suka, dan mematikan tv itu.
saat saya penuh dengan perasaan hina dina karena tidak bisa masuk kelas ipa, papa marah luar biasa dan melampiaskannya kepada mama.
saat papa akhirnya mencoba merasa bangga dengan prestasi saya dalam organisasi, ketua osis perempuan, itu adalah saya.
saat papa membelikan kami tempat tidur seperti anak kecil, dan berharap kami menyukainya, dan kami berdua sangat membenci itu. tempat tidur itu pun segera dirusak oleh ade saya, dengan bermain2 diatasnya.
saat papa membelikan tempat duduk jari lengkap dengan warna biru dan merah untuk menebus kekecewaan kami dengan tempat tidur tadi.
saat papa memaksa saya untuk les ini dan itu agar saya hebat nantinya.
saat saya tetap papa peluk dengan mesra, padahal saya mengecewakan papa.
saat saya pergi dengan fael, dan papa tetap menunggu saya hingga malam dan saya sampai di rumah.
saat papa dengan segan bersalaman dengan orang tua fael yang canggung rasanya bertemu dskolah dengan calon mertua-pada waktu itu.
saat papa selalu berpakaian necis k.sekolah dan membuat smua orang mlihatnya dengan asoygeboy, dan tentu rasa bangga dalam hatiku, karena papaku keren.!!! richard gere untuk sementara waktu,mungkin..hahahaha
saat papa memperjuangkan kami-ank2 kelas3 untuk lived in dan mendapatkan hidup sebagaimana layaknya di desa tanpa kemewahan sedikit pun.
saat papa menghantarkan kami k.bis tempat kami akan berangkat dan pergi untuk sementara waktu.
saat papa,mama,ade,pakde menyusul saya k.wonogiri dan melihat saya dari kejauhan smp kanisius itu dengan senyuman yang tersungging manis.
saat papa begitu menikmati mengendarai stream yang lembut gas dan remnya.
saat papa selalu mengajak kami isi bensin walau hanya sebentar dan akan langsung makan sate padang atau soto kikil itu.
saat papa mengajak kami berdoa beberapa malam itu, rosario, jalan salib, padahal kami sempat tertidur.. maaf Tuhan.
saat papa masak mie dengan sayurmayur yang ada di kulkas, slrrppp.! enak rasanya.
saat papa masak swike, rendang, kepiting, banyak d.! papa jago masak.!
saat papa membeli city untuk mama mendampingi kami..
saat papa selalu bersiap di pagi hari, dengan berbagai hal disiapkan mama dari saputangan, kaos kaki hingga bekal makanan papa.
saat k.greja, qta selalu berpakaian yang senada, baik warna kadang pun coraknya.
saat di greja papa selalu berpura-pura mendengarkan, padahal papa sambil menutup mata bahkan tertidur beberapa kali.
saat di greja papa sering menangis dalam lagu Bapa Kami.
saat di greja, qta selalu berpegangan tangan seakan takut berpisah.
saat papa menggenggam tanganku, terasa aman. tangan papa yang besar dan hangat itu selalu menjadi idamanku.
saat papa berjabat tangan dengan kuatnya, itulah yang aku lakukan sekarang,pa..
saat papa menyirami bunga-bunga dluar dengan kaos singlet putih itu.
saat papa mencuci mobil ditemani mama, kadang saya bantu kadang pun saya diamkan, karena malas membantu. hehehe papa pun beralasan ingin berolahraga, padahal ingin kami bantu.
saat papa membuat sesuatu yang aneh dan unik untuk kami, dari pot gantungan, dinding bata di deket ruang makan.
saat papa mengajak kami berfoto keluarga bersama, papa sempet marah karena ada kekeliruan pada kancing baju seragamnya. kancing.! hingga papa tidak mau memakai baju seragam itu.
saat papa marah2 karena hal2 kecil kepada kami bertiga.
saat papa membelikan kami vcd tentang national geographic, buku2 yang berpengetahuan menumpuk tinggi.
saat papaaaaa......
tidak hadir dalam ulang tahunku yang k-17
tidak hadir dalam pelepasan sma.ku
tidak mendampingiku mencari tempat tinggal di bandung
tidak datang bersama keluarga (ber4)
tidak pulang ke rumah
tidak bertemu ade dan mama
tidak menganggap mama lagi
tidak memuji mama lagi
tidak mendampingi ade dalam ujiannya
tidak melihat pementasan teater saya
tidak menghiraukan pendapat kami
tidak melihat bahwa kami sudah dewasa
tidak..tidak..tidak..tidak..
ttttttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.........









papa segeralah pulang..

it's my story

what should i do.?
kepada-Nya sajalah aku akan menyerahkan segalanya..hidupku hanya untuk-Nya. sejak aku menjadi benih cinta diantara orang tuaku yang kini berdiri sendiri-sendiri, aku tetap bangga menyandang nama belakang mereka dan menjadikan ini hanya sekedar cobaan kecil yang diberikan-Nya kepadaku. well, it's life. tanpa kerikil yang kecil dan akan membesar dengan sendirinya, qta tidak akan menikmati indahnya hidup. benar pilihanku untuk tetap hidup dan melakukan sesuatu tanpa garansi dmana aku akan hidup kekal nanti.
Tuhan, aku lelah,jujur sadja. banyak hal yang ingin aku lakukan, tapi seakan semuanya sia-sia tanpat mereka berdua. tujuanku selama ini, hanyalah untuk membanggakan mereka berdua, itu sadja.. tidak lebih. mungkin aku bukan anak lelaki seperti yang diharapkan, tapi i've tried so hard to as tough as a boy. hmm.,not as perfect like the wanted me to be.?
then..am i should change my gender to be the one that they wanted me to be.?
nope..it's not a good answer, i thought.
i have to survive..right.?
i like to see many movies in theatres, i saw many movie stars, many stories about life even its happy, sad, misreable, sarcastic or even pathetic.
but it's my story from now on. i have my own director, God, The Almighty.
starring, me, my family, my friends, everybody around me, of course you (does anyone ever read it.? i don't think so., and i;m not hoping for that).
i have to make my own happy ending.. how.?.
with suicide.? nope, it's a coward.
with smile.? of course, from all of you faces. especially, my mom, dad, lil sist.
all i wanted to do is to make them happy.
that's it .

semut kecil

Hidup di kota kembang ini selama hampir setahun, membuat saya selalu tersenyum di pagi hari. Walaupun sering ditemani hujan dan cuaca tidak menentu, kota ini membuat saya nyaman dan aman dalam setiap harinya. Tidak hanya berusaha bersahabat dengan alam, tapi juga dengan orang-orang di sekitar saya. Di kost ini, misalnya, saya hidup dengan keluarga kecil yang memang lahir dan tumbuh di Kota Bandung ini, kami yang tidak berasal dari Bandung merasa begitu terjaga di dalamnya. Kehidupan Bandung yang begitu hangat, membuat kami tidak ingin segera beranjak dari sini. Di setiap langkah kami keluar dari kost ini, menuntut ilmu atau hanya sekedar jalan-jalan, kami merasa aman. Orang-orang di sekeliling kami, tentu tidak semua kami kenal, tapi mereka begitu ramah dan menyambut kami dengan senang hati. Walaupun hanya sekedar anggukan kepala atau senyum saja, itu sudah cukup, karena tulus dari hati.
Kebanyakan orang berkata, ibukota lebih kejam daripada ibu tiri. Dan apakah pernyataan tersebut benar adanya? Memang begitu. Hidup di Kota Jakarta, memang sangat keras. Tidak semua orang akan menyapa satu sama lain, tersenyum saja akan keluar senyuman pahit yang asal saja keluar. Mungkin globalisasi membuatnya begitu, semua orang berpikir tentang dirinya sendiri. Padahal, kehidupan layaknya orang Indonesialah yang didamba-dambakan, terkenal dengan keramah-tamahannya, selain terorisme, Indonesia telah menyentuh hati banyak turis mancanegara. Ataukah hal itu, hanya kemunafikan belaka, untuk meningkatkan pariwisata Indonesia? Besar harapan saya, keramah-tamahan itu tidak hanya ada di tempat-tempat destinasi para turis saja. Tapi juga dalam setiap kehidupan orang Indonesia.
Ketika berjalan sepanjang kota ini, saya menjumpai beberapa orang yang tidak saya kenal. Dan dengan sapaan khas kota ini, saya akan berkata, ‘punten’, dengan ramah pun mereka akan membalas, ‘mangga’, dibubuhi dengan bungkukan badan dan senyum yang damai rasanya. Memang tidak semua orang akan begitu, terpengaruh dengan budaya dari berbagai kota, apalagi kota-kota besar, menjadikan masyarakat disini mulai acuh. Rasa aman pun masih saya dapatkan ketika berjalan di tempat-tempat padat, terkadang teman-teman saya juga mengingatkan beberapa tempat yang rawan. Karena tumbuhnya kecurigaan satu sama lain inilah, yang membuat perasaan saya menjadi tidak aman. Tapi, hal tersebut tidak mengurungkan saya untuk menyukai kota ini.
Sebelumnya, tinggal di Kota Bandung hanya impian untuk saya. Disamping, rumor gang motor, kehidupan bebas dan sebagainya, saya masih sangat antusias tinggal disini. Adanya hal-hal negative itu akan berkembang sendirinya bagi orang-orang yang tidak bisa menjaga dirinya baik-baik. Karena pada dasarnya semua orang adalah baik adanya, hanya lingkungan sekitarlah yang membuat mereka berubah. Beberapa waktu yang lalu, saya sempat berkunjung ke daerah Tasikmalaya. Disana masih dapat terlihat indahnya bumi sangkuriang ini. Walaupun lengkap dengan debu yang kian menusuk hidung. Tapi, setelah mulai memasuki desanya, rasanya seperti melihat kampung halaman lagi. Kehidupan masyarakat yang masih begitu kental rasa kekeluargaannya. Ketika, saya sampai di rumah sebuah keluarga, mereka dengan senang hati menyambut kami – saya dan teman-teman saya. Dengan segera mereka mengeluarkan makanan yang mereka punya, dari pisang yang langsung dipetik dari belakang rumah sampai ketan hitam yang mereka jadikan oleh-oleh untuk kami. Rasanya, seperti sudah lama mengenal dan keluarga dekat saja. Pertama kali, kami mengenal sang bapak yang bekerja di Simpang Dago, dan pindah ke Dipati Ukur, beliau yang bekerja keras untuk keempat anaknya. Dalam sela kesibukannya pun, beliau masih menyediakan waktunya untuk berbincang dengan kami tentang kehidupan di Bandung yang semakin sulit rasanya. Tapi, senyum dari wajahnya yang mulai menua tetap ada dan terukir jelas. Mungkin karena wajahnya yang ramah-tamah itulah, membuat kami terenyuh dan merasa dekat dengannya.
Seperti kehidupan semut saja, rasa kekeluargaan mereka begitu terasa. Mereka akan saling menyapa satu sama lain, ketika bertemu di tengah jalan, kenal ataupun tidak. Mereka pun akan saling membantu dalam susah maupun senang. Mungkin hal itulah yang membuat saya sadar, kita semua harus belajar dari sesuatu yang kecil dahulu untuk menjadi sesuatu yang besar.

she loves him

surely.,i've always wanted to remembering yesterday, before the clock straight to 2am. coz the way he hold my hand in the darkness..so comfortable .
the way he looked at me, even though i was scare to death..so adorable .
he kept smile, when i was closing my eyes..
i enjoyed every scene of that movie..
coz in every scene, he sit next to me.,
thank you for that night,b..
do you know him.? if you know about him, keep it yourself plz..
let it be our little secret .

the sadness came by, as the time went so fast .
i was sleeping next to her,.
she told me something .
something that i've never wanted to even think about it.,
i spent my night trying to smile for her.,
it's hurt, a lot .
is that too much to ask for.?

dear diary..
keep me stronger and stronger,plz..
i'm afraid it might hurt .
all i wanted, everything in the right way .
so everyone can be happy..

coz..
all i want is "..."

ps.let God do His will..

bahagianya aku

ditemani dengan teman2 serumah yang menyenangkan.,tya, k.presi, nesya, gita, orie..
they're the best . pagi2 mbangunkanku.,dan menyanyikan lagu paling krusial hari itu . trimakash skali saiangku.,
sempat rasanya.,hari ini bahagia, karena kepedulian sekitarku.,yang notabene, luar biasa..hahahaha
dari k.bacok,k.mira, k.howu, k.bex, k.jaer, k.grace, k.lenna, yang menghabisi ku dengan sejuta pertanyaan . dan temen2 07, bejenk, gilang, mia, bella, ajeng, inez, daniel setiawan.. yang membantu skenarion hari itu lebih sempurna.! maab skali.,gw emang ga sperti yang kalian harapkan slama ini.,tapi inilah gw . yang selalu dtemani dengan kekurangan dan tetap berusaha untuk menjadi yang terbaik., itu adja .
ide brilian daniel yang ngbuat gw bisa tersenyum skarang., trimakash banyak.! bukan hanya dy adja.,tapi semua orang yang ada d.kost an k.ardan hari ini.,membuat dunia gw terus berputar dengan indahnya., makash banyak .
dari k.mira, k.iyos, k."om"-gw ga taw nama aslinya.,hehehehe

makasih banyak Tuhan.,atas hari yang indah ini.,

seiring jejak kakiku bergetar.,

kembali goyah hari ini.,
dinding tinggi dan kokoh yang selama ini menjadi tameng utama dalam hatiku, kembali terbuka . seperti robohnya tembok berlin di jerman, seperti hancurnya perbatasan gaza di timur tengah.,
kepalaku panas, tak bias berpikir.,mataku sembab penuh dengan pilu dalam di hati.,berharap kau dapat mengerti apa arti semua ini .
penantian ku slama ini.,kembali menunggu mu berpaling, dan tidak mengucapkan selamat tinggal .
tetap dsampingku.,mendampingi dalam setiap harinya, menuntunku dikala malam gelap., menggandengku dengan bangga di depan mereka .
sungguh.,
sakit hati ini .
rasa rindu yang terdalam.,sudah tertanam di pojok itu.,kembali mengeluarkan asa nya .
sesak dadaku..

i miss you now..

i don't know why.,
i don't know when..
it's just come through my heart and keep hurting my feelings every single day,again .
know, that you already her.. not mine, anymore .
by the time, i realized.. it's just too late .
too late to catch you back again..
i don't like this feelings, anymore .
my heart keep telling me, that i'm still in love with him . he's heart taker,.
new nickname for him . hehehe
it's been almost a year and a half, since i left you back there. how come, i missing you right now.?
but . you're with her right now, i don't want to disturb you..why . ?
you're with her while it hasn't been a year since we broke up .
i needed you.,

and..
i will ask God,. to bring you back in to my life .
is that possible.?

amien .