why don't..

you don't know what you got until it's gone.
i miss something, someone, some part..that i don't even know what it is.
i could feel it, kicking my deepest heart.
wish that i can move on..
gonna hurt me.? then..do it quickly.
if you don't want to stick around, then.. forget me.

)(Y&*^&$^%%@%

ajigile.
semura orang ternyata.? hahahaaaa..
apa sih itu.? membuat orang membungkam dan tersenyum hanya dengan tatapan matanya. dia.
melihatku apa adanya.. seakan ku sempurna.
na..na..na..na..naa..
terlalu sensitif adja nih, man.! kelar hal2 yang menyita otak, hati, pikiran, tenaga, materi dan temen2nya.. sekarang hampa.
dam*.
bisa gila gw.

N.E.X.T

the same topic in each examples that he made. the topic that keep running through my head, i tried to take it back.. i tried to erase it ever since it came over me in a rush. they showed me passion that i don't even care about, they told me those feelings that i almost forgot. what is your main purpose..? i'm sick of it.. it's enough. i wish i could turn back time, so i won't regret about him as the most. well, i won't. i'm happy with what i have, what i do, what i want. that's it. it's my life. it's about me. but then, i keep avoiding people around, which i shouldn't. argh. what's the point of this story written by me. when at the end, i'm still here, wondering what's happen next.

FEELINGS TAKING CONTROL OF ME.

i don't know who's listening. i don't know who's talking in my head. i don't know what to say with my mouth. i don't know how I'm feeling. it's empty.
there's panic, hectic, crowd, confuse, anger, sad, cry, waiting to be revealed.
tonight.? tomorrow.? or even never.? i don't even know.
i need to talk to.. don't know who, where, how, when and why..
it's complicated. tears even to shy to come out. so desperate huh.?
please, lead me somewhere out there.
please, listen to me a moment..
just for a moment.. please.
i really need it.. someone to listen to me, someone to talk to, someone to share everything..
damn.
sounds like lover, huh.?
i don't know, what they called it. but i just needed it.
i need some light to the aisle of my life, i need some torch to lightened up the darkness in my heart. i need some peacefulness to released the hard feeling in my heart..
God.
please, send me your angel.

a letter from here

Dear, Juliane

I miss you a lot. How are you? Are you ok out there? How’s your life? I hope you’re doing great, my big sister…

I need you here… I need you.
I want hugs and lots of hugs from you only.
My dad’s whore keeps getting crazy. She wants to kick my mom out from the house. And taking care of my little sister…

Juliane…
I want to call your name again. So, you can be here with me.
What should I do?
They’re my family, my mom and my sister. I don’t want that devil taking care of these.
What should I do, Juliane.
Please, tell me something.

I need you…

Love you always.
Lisbeth.

Ibu Tersayang

Ibu tersayang..
Janganlah menangis.. janganlah air mata itu jatuh perlahan untuknya.. ia tidaklah pantas kau tangisi, ibu..
Ia hanya lara bagimu..
Jangalah kau perhatikan gerakgerik dan ucapan lidah tak betulangnya..
Ia hanya goresan di hatimu..
Janganlah kau membengkakkan mata elokmu dengan bendungan air asam..
Ia hanya akan tertawa bangga dengan itu..

Ibu tersayang..
Ingatlah saat indah kita bersamanya.. Karena ia lah gerbong terakhirmu..
Ingatlah saat tertawa riang dengan kelakarnya.. Karena ia lah dagelan hidupmu..
Ingatlah saat gurauan keringnya.. Karena ia lah ombak dalam hatimu..
Ingatlah saat godaan mesranya.. Karena ia lah kekasih jiwamu..

Ibu tersayang..
Percayalah, ia akan kembali..
Percayalah, ia akan sadar..
Percayalah, ia akan menyesalinya..
Percayalah, ia masih sayang dengamu..
Percayalah..
Percayalahh..

Ibu tersayang..
Aku disini, untuk mendampingimu.
Itu saja..

Aku sayang Ibu..

gadis kecilku

adikku sayang,

apa kabarmu, sayang.?
bagaimana denting bunyi gamelanmu.? bagaimana plus/minus fisika dan kimiamu.? lalu..dengan hapalan ilmiah biologimu.? design editan foto wajah elokmu.?
sungguh bangga memilikimu, sayang..
gadis kecilku, janganlah menangis.. aku takkan kemana.. percayalah.
aku selalu disini mendoakan setiap langkah kecilmu..
gadis kecilku, janganlah bermuram durja.. perlihatkanlah gingsul unikmu.. agar mereka tergila akan dirimu..
gadis kecilku, janganlah engkau khawatir akan hari esok..
gadis kecilku, janganlah engkau malu akan keberadaanmu atau bahkan keluargamu..
akulah ayah dan ibumu kelak..
sekarang jagalah ibu disampingmu.. berikanlah ia senyum termanismu di pagi hari, dengan embun yang sejuk melindungi setiap langkahmu..
sekarang bersabarlah sedikit, sayang..
aku akan selalu kembali, menemani, memanjakan dan merangkulmu dengan hangat..
sayangku, percayalah..
semuanya akan indah pada waktunya.
belajarlah selagi dirimu bisa dan mampu.. percayalah akan kekuatan hatimu..
aku sayang sekali..
sayang..
sayang..
sayangg.. adik kecilku.

My Wishing Time

she's the one that worried about me.. she always said i'm the most beautiful from all.. she's crying a lot, when i'm gone.. she was having me more than nine months in her belly.. she's the one that keep trying to understand my feeling with others.. she's working very hard to make everybody proud of her.. she's the toughest of all.. she's the best thing i ever had.. she's living in sorrow now.. God, please give her a break. make her happy at least for once.. she deserves much better than these stuff.. she deserves the best. i know it..
i want to take her around the globe, so she can see everything in a beautifully way.. she cried a lot, she suffered huge terrible things, she got words that shouldn't ever exist in the dictionary of tongue.
is she ok now.? i don't think so.. there's a lot of things around her, missing, misunderstanding.. it's complicated, anyway.
i really want to help her. God, help me find the right way in the right place and in the right time.. so everything will be better, much better.
that's my only wish.

you'll always in my heart..

who will i choose between both of them..
even though is a rapid fire questions, i won't answer it.. even though I'll have a billion dollars, i won't.
both of them too important in my life.
at last, if they still want me to choose. i choose no one. not even one of them.. it's not the answer, yeah.
but what's the right answer.? i think God-Himself, can't give me the right and wrong.
i deserves both of them.. they are the persons that has the biggest responsible of me in the world..
where are they now.?

S.O.S

his name unspoken, his face unseen, his body language fool our eyes, his appearances amazed us, his act smartly as The Broadway actors, his words impress every single ears that heard it..
amusing, it is.
confusing, it is..
meaningful.? it should be.. but he made it worst now.
he's fooling himself around, pretending he's the best of all.. pretending everyone is depend on his old shoulders, but.. the fact.? he's made fun of himself these days..
because of what.?
because of the wealthy of life, the richness that would not be taken to the end of our life. because of woman, that made him crazy of.. because of the power of others. making other afraid of himself is a privilege, one of the beauty of life.
but he made it wrong. wrong place, wrong destination, with wrong people in a wrong way, surely.
what i have to do now.?
i don't even know him anymore.. he's different. he's unique, and special. in a bad way..
do not under estimate him, anyway.
he was a good man, once. no, no.. twice.! maybe, three times.. i mean, a lot of times..
then, one of the trouble maker, saw his weaknesses right in front of him. he's shock.. and giving his fully supported for everything that has to be done in a good way, changing into the bad once now.
please, help him find his way home, soon..
when you look him in the eyes, you can see the sorrow that he wanted to scream as loud as he could.. he couldn't.
there's huge burden that he have to brought because of his weaknesses.
he'll realize it. i know that, i know him..

we love you with all of our hearts..
thank you.